


Eggs BeneDICK

by lunarLungfish (phantomPen)



Category: DICK HARDBOILED - Fandom
Genre: Detective Noir, True Crime, totes legit, true crime detective stories, true crime stories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:56:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomPen/pseuds/lunarLungfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DICK HARDBOILED takes a case.</p><p>(Original concept for DICK HARDBOILED goes to @urbanfriendden of Twitter. http://tinyurl.com/poe5kyt )</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Eggs BeneDICK

a DICK HARDBOILED true crime detective story by Toni Arsenic

 

It was a dark, lonely night in New Dark Night Grit City. The kind of night that lasts at least a week. Maybe two, it's hard to tell. Because of the night. I, DICK HARDBOILED, sat alone in my office and lit a cigarette with my twin pistols. People think lighting a cigarette with your twin pistols is easy. But it's not. Nothing is easy in this city. It's hard being DICK HARDBOILED. It's hard, and no one understands.

I was lighting my fifth cigarette when she walked in. A dame. The prettiest dame to ever walk into my office. She had legs like railroad tracks and hair like a swarm of angry bees carrying tiny hatchets. She posed in the door for five hours. I puffed each of my eleven cigarettes in turn and waited. The dames will always give first if you wait them out. And I, DICK HARDBOILED, always win.

The stepped into the office and sat down. Her head spun in circles and her eyes reflected the light like a drunk disco ball. "I need you to do a job," she said.

"Everybody needs a job, babe." I, DICK HARDBOILED, said back. It's true. Everybody in this town needs a job, and they need it done tonight. I'm doing eight of them right now, all over the city. But she doesn't know that. She doesn't know anything, and I, DICK HARDBOILED, want to keep it that way. "Tell me what ya need, sweetheart. I'll see what I can do."

She pulled a picture out of her wall-mounted safe. Taking it out of the envelope, she unrolled it across the table like a dead bear on the hood of a car. "I need you to kill this man." Her voice was cold. Cold like a 56 oz steak that got left on the table overnight. I don't need to see the man to know who he is. He's my arch-nemesis, Jimmy the Knows.

I look up at her and light eight more cigarettes. "You're asking a lot for such a pretty broad. What's in it for me?" I wash the cigarettes down with a single barrel of scotch. Single barrel scotch, of course.

She pulls a wad of cash out of her purse. It's a roll of bills wrapped up in a red paper band. A paper band as red as blood. I pick it up. It's actually blood. This is blood money.

I, DICK HARDBOILED, will take the case.

 

*** What is going to happen next? Who is the mysterious woman? How will DICK HARDBOILED solve the case? Find out next time!


	2. Chapter 2

Jimmy the Knows is a hard man to find. Harder to find than a sober man in McAllister's Eye/Wrist Bar and Pub. That's where I am now, following up on my latest lead.  
  
I, DICK HARDBOILED, ran up to the bar like a herd of stampeding cattle. A herd of stampeding cattle with a case to sleuth. I slam my hands down on the bar and light up eleven cigarettes. "A quadruple shot of single-barrel rotgut. And all the information you got on Jimmy the Knows."  
  
The barkeep isn't there, but that's not important. I know he's not there. Nobody's there. It's eight AM on a lazy Tuesday morning. This lead is as dry as my throat.  
  
I, DICK HARDBOILED, finish my drink and shove off of the bar. It's another dead end, and I'm running out of time. I check my pockets. Yeah. Only six years, five months, seventy three days, and four hundred hours of time left. I have to keep moving before the trail gets cold.  
  
I know where I, DICK HARDBOILED,'m going next.  
  
  
*** Where is DICK HARDBOILED going next? Why are all his clues dead ends? Find out next time!


End file.
